“Let Someone Serve You in Suffering,” by Vaneeta Rendall Risner (pictured above with her husband). See her website at:
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I don’t like asking for help. Frankly, I’d rather take care of myself, by myself.
But independence has become a thing of the past for me. Because of my disability and intensifying weakness, I can’t even get out of bed without help. My husband, Joel, shoulders nearly everything around our home, selflessly putting my needs before his. When he recently went out of town, I asked a friend to stay with me; though even that simple request felt humbling. I needed help with the smallest tasks: making coffee, bringing my food to the table, picking up afterward.
As my friend was leaving, I began to thank her, wanting to repay her in some way. But before I could finish, she interrupted me. “Thank you for letting me help you and telling me what you needed. You don’t know what a gift that was to me.”
Her words took me aback. I wasn’t sure how to respond, my eyes brimming with tears. I didn’t know how or why helping me was a gift to her, but I knew I needed to hear it. Maybe I wasn’t a burden or an inconvenience. What began as a gift to me, in some mysterious way, became a gift to her as well.
That experience made me wonder: Why is it so hard for me, and for many of us, to let others serve us in suffering?
Asking for help makes us feel vulnerable. We can no longer pretend to be strong and capable, able to handle whatever we need on our own. Asking reveals that we’re weak and dependent.
Part of that vulnerability is the risk of rejection, since people can’t always respond to our requests. I remember reaching out to a friend during a difficult time, and when she couldn’t help, she offered alternatives — some that seemed to imply I didn’t really need what I had asked for. I understood that she could not help me, but it stung to have her imply I did not really need the help. So, for a while I hesitated to ask anyone else for help. Not asking felt safer than opening myself up to hurt again.
Sometimes we resist help because we’re embarrassed. We wonder if others will judge us or blame us for our situation; asking intrusive questions, making careless remarks, offering unsolicited advice. Those with modest or messy homes may fear scrutiny over where they live. Those in financial need may dread being labeled irresponsible or lazy. The sick may face insinuations that they “don’t look that ill.” When asking for help brings judgment, veiled or direct, we’d rather go without than feel the sting again.
Even when help comes without judgment, we’re still afraid of being a burden. No one wants to feel like someone else’s project or the object of pity. Most of us would rather serve than be served; giving feels noble, while receiving feels humbling, and so we resist it.
Peter felt that tension at the Last Supper when Jesus washed the disciples’ feet. He pulled back, declaring, “You shall never wash my feet” (John 13:8). Perhaps the act seemed too menial for his Lord; maybe Peter couldn’t bear the thought of Jesus stooping so low for him. But Jesus insisted. Unless Peter received this act of service, he could have no part with him.
When I step back and consider all the reasons I resist asking for help, the root issue is usually pride. I want to look strong and self-sufficient, freely serving others sacrificially, and not the other way around. Yet Jesus calls us to humble ourselves and let others serve us.
Letting others help us not only meets our needs, but it also deepens our relationships. Sharing our weaknesses and needs invites others to draw closer, showing that we trust them enough to let them in. In the process, we receive the help we need, and, our relationships grow richer.
Peter didn’t understand why Jesus needed to wash his feet, but Jesus explained to all the disciples: “If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you” (John 13:14-15). Jesus was calling them into a life of mutual service, of both giving and receiving.
Paul echoes this truth in his image of the body of Christ: “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I have no need of you’” (I Corinthians 12:21). When we refuse help, we are implying we don’t need others, rejecting the very design that God intended for his people. But when we allow others to serve us, God blesses them and us, and his glory shines through both.
From that perspective, refusing to ask may actually deny others joy. We think we’re sparing them trouble, but in reality, we may be withholding the opportunity for a blessing. As Jesus said, “Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap” (Luke 6:38). When we ask for help, God blesses us through the hands of others, and he blesses them in return. What feels humbling to us may become joy to them.
There is joy in serving. But there is also humility and grace in allowing ourselves to be served. The call is simple but not easy: Let others share the burden. Let them be part of God’s provision. Let them suffer with you by serving you.
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“A burden shared is half a burden; a joy shared is a double joy.”
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II Corinthians 1:3-7 — Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
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O God, you have bound us together in this bundle of life; give us grace to remember how our lives depend on the courage, industry, integrity and service of other people. And, help us to be mindful of the needs of others, grateful for their faithfulness, and faithful in our responsibilities to them. We pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.
–Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
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John Lennon and Paul McCartney wrote “With a Little Help from My Friends” in 1967. Joe Cocker made it famous at Woodstock in 1969, and it became his signature song until his death in 2014 at the age of 70. It was the theme song of the very popular television series about growing up in the 1960s and 70s (my time of growing up), “The Wonder Years,” which ran from 1988-1994; one of the best television series ever. It is a wonderful little song (just ignore the part about ‘getting high with your friends’). Watch the video below for a nostalgic look back at an old TV show which, way back then, was a nostalgic look way back at long ago days (I think I’m getting old); and listen again to one of the best of so many great songs of those years:
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