Most of you can think of a time when you were terribly wronged by another, and it hurt, and maybe still hurts. Perhaps you were wronged by someone you had loved and trusted, and then it hurts even more. Somebody you were counting on let you down. Someone you trusted broke that trust and betrayed you. Someone you thought was your friend stabbed you in the back. And now, the pain goes deep into your heart and you are very angry, because you did not deserve to be treated that way. It was not fair. So, what do you do now?
You cannot change what happened. There is no delete button for the events of your life. You are stuck with it, and you cannot forget what happened. You cannot erase it from your mind. It is like a digital video implanted into your brain that keeps playing over and over in your memory. And with each rerun, you again feel the pain.
So, what do you want? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a pain that you did not deserve? Or, would you like to be rid of it, healed, and freed from it, so that you can go one with your life without that painful memory always rattling around in your head?
There is one way to be healed. This is not one option among many. It is the only way through this pain. God invented it. It is what Jesus lived and died for, and it is what Jesus commands us to do in our relationships. Ephesians 4:32 says very simply what the rest of the Bible makes clear in hundreds of places: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Forgive one another, as Christ forgave you.
This is very simple, and you’ve heard it all before. You may have even made up your mind you are NOT going to forgive (but it is never a good idea to decide to refuse God’s clear command). Or maybe you are saying to yourself, “I am not going to forgive so and so, until they do this or that.” You might even be angry with God for expecting you to do something so unnatural.
The problem is that many people do not understand what forgiveness is and what it is not. I want to list three simple things about forgiving to clear up some mistaken notions about God’s way of healing the unfair pains that we suffer. I learned these things from Christian teacher and author Lewis Smedes (1921-2002).
First of all, forgiveness is the only way to be fair to yourself. Our first reaction is to think that forgiveness is NOT fair to me, and the guilty person should be held accountable, and is deserving of my continuing hatred.
Smedes writes, “When people say to me that forgiving is not fair, I tell them that forgiving is the only way to be fair to yourself. Would it be fair to you that the person who hurt you once, goes on hurting you for the rest of your life? When you refuse to forgive, you are giving the person who hurt you once, the opportunity to hurt you all over again—and again and again—in your memory. You must realize that the first person to get the benefits of forgiving is the one who does the forgiving.”
Forgiveness is first of all, a way of helping yourself get free of the unfair pain someone caused you. It would be most unfair to go on suffering in your bitterness and misery when there is such a simple remedy for it.
The second thing Smedes says about forgiveness is that you need not wait for the other person to say they are sorry. Many people believe that you should not forgive anyone who has wronged you unless he or she crawls back on their hands and knees, says they are truly sorry, and begs for your forgiveness. Smedes says to insist on waiting for that is a bad idea.
If you wait for the person who hurt you to repent, you may have to wait forever, and then you are the one stuck with the pain. If you wait for the other person to say they are sorry, you are giving them permission to keep on hurting you as long as you live. There are many people who will never apologize for anything. Why should you put your future peace of mind in the hands of an unrepentant person who has already caused you undeserved pain? If you refuse to forgive until he begs for that forgiveness, you are letting him decide for you when you may be healed of the bad memories. Why put your happiness in the hands of someone who made you so unhappy in the first place?
This does not mean you have to beg them for their good will and reconciliation. If they are unrepentant you may want to avoid them for a while (or from now on), if there is no hope for the relationship. But you may forgive them in your heart, and let go of your anger and bitterness. (And, of course, you should always be ready to look for and repent of any part of the conflict that might be your own fault.)
The third thing Smedes teaches about forgiveness is that “forgiveness is a journey.” It is a mistake to think that you should be able to forgive everything all at once and be done with it. God can forgive in the twinkling of an eye, but we are not God. Most of us will need some time. Be patient with yourself, but pray for the faith and ability to keep moving toward forgiveness. And pray for the other person. Jesus, after all, did tell us to pray for our enemies; and praying for another person may soften our hearts toward them, and, it might even change them.
When you decide to forgive, you make the first baby step on the way to healing. Then, with God’s grace, you go on from there. And, you may be on the way for a long time before you finish the job. You may slide back into anger and hatred, and then you have to forgive all over again. We are amateurs at this, and God will be patient as we muddle along. Be patient with yourself, but do begin the process. Once the healing begins, you will not want to go back. (continued…)
