From a wedding meditation last week for my nephew and his bride.
J. and H., relatives and friends, grace and peace to you from our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
First of all today, I want to talk a little bit about irritations, because as you know, they are a part of every marriage. Two people cannot live in such close quarters, for so long, without irritating each other once in a while.
For example, my wife Nancy has not yet learned, after all these years together, to put the toilet seat up after she is done. I come in the bathroom and the toilet seat is always down, and I always have to lift it back up where it belongs. Now, I know I am not the only husband with this problem, but it is irritating.
However, I do have to admit, there are things about me that irritate Nancy. For example, one thing Nancy finds irritating is how I always have a quotation or two, ready for any occasion. My head is full of quotations because I have always been a big reader and I can remember what I read. I can’t remember for even 20 minutes what I was supposed to get at the store, but I have remembered, and used in sermons, lines I read in Mad magazine when I was in the 8th grade.
So, for example if Nancy is sick, I might say sympathetically, “Well you know honey, ‘suffering builds character.’” That one is not from Mad magazine. That one is from the Bible– book of Romans.
Or, if Nancy starts talking about a new couch, I quote another Bible verse, this one from Hebrews 13:5, which says simply, “Be content with what you have.”
Or, if her arthritis is acting up and she is in pain, I quote what my mother said to me when I was a kid and I came running in with painful bumps or bruises. She would say, “You will be all right; yes, it hurts; but that is just the meanness coming out.” Actually, I can’t imagine why Nancy doesn’t appreciate this steady stream of wisdom flowing out of me.
So today, at the risk of irritating my wife yet again, and perhaps everyone here, I have some quotes for the two of you.
I’ll start with two quotes about irritations. Novelist Stephen King said: “A successful marriage is built on a high tolerance for irritation.” That’s certainly true.
The second quote on irritations is by me, and it can be one of the keys to happiness and marital success. Here it is. “In marriage, as in all of life, one needs to learn to put up with things.” Simple, right, but if we could only live by it. We do so much fussing and fighting about so many little things that we just need to learn to put up with. Deal with the big things as you are able, but learn to put up with the rest of what can’t be changed.
Ben Franklin had some of the best advice on marriage in this quotation from Poor Richard’s Almanac: “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward.”
Or we can go the humorous route with a quotation from Rodney Dangerfield who said: “My wife and I were very happy for twenty years—then we met.”
Next, I have a rather scary quotation. This one is from Marvin Gaye, the famous Motown singer from about 40 or 50 years ago. He said, “Marriage is miserable unless you find the right person that is your soulmate and that takes a lot of looking.” … Now, J. and H., I don’t want to put you on the spot here ahead of all these people, but tell me, do you each really think you found the right one? Are the two of you soulmates, whatever that is? (I’m just kidding… I told them ahead of time not to answer any questions during the sermon).
Actually, I know of a better approach to this whole right person/wrong person question; it is in this quotation from one of my favorite writers, the always wise and witty G. K. Chesterton, who said this: “Upon entering marriage, many people are afraid that perhaps they are marrying the wrong person. And of course you are indeed marrying the wrong person. No matter who marries who, we always marry the wrong person, because men and women are, by nature, incompatible.” That’s true, and therefore, it is a more sensible approach.
Finding the right person is not nearly so important as becoming the right person for each other, and that is the challenge and the promise of marriage. Nobody marries his or her soulmate. You become soulmates by living together through the years. So often we look for something in the early years of a relationship that comes only after years of life together.
That reminds of another quotation I heard almost 50 years ago in seminary, and it was just an off the cuff answer to a student’s question. Someone asked old Professor Tostengard if we will be together with our loved ones in heaven. “Well, I certainly hope so,” he said, “because Dorothy and I have been through a lot together.” Nice. I have always remembered that line, and I think about it now and then as Nancy and I get older. That is how you get to be soulmates (if there is such a thing)—by going through a lot together. If being a soulmate means being on the same wavelength all the time, then Nancy and I are definitely still not soulmates. We are different in so many ways. But we have been through a lot together, and there is no doubt that we do want to be together for whatever is left of this life.
Besides, the Bible doesn’t say anything about soulmates. But Jesus did talk about the two becoming one in marriage, and that can happen after a lifetime of going through so much together. And the Bible certainly doesn’t say anything about you finding the right person– not in culture where marriages were arranged for you by someone else. But the Bible says a great deal about being the right kind of person, in marriage and in all of life.
And this is where the verses you have selected come in. Both passages are about becoming the right kind of person. The first reading J. and H. chose for this day is from Colossians 3:12-15, which says as follows:
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another; and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. And above all these, put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.”
The second reading is from Philippians 2:2-4:
“Complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Do what it says there, J. and H., and you will be all right. Faith in Jesus brings into a marriage everything you need, and it is all summarized there in those few wonderful verses: kindness, compassion, forgiveness, love, patience, humility, and unselfishness, always keeping in mind the needs and interests of the other. It is all there, all the ingredients for a successful, lifelong marriage.
And then, most of all, keep your eyes on Jesus, the one who gives us this life, who has given you to each other, who blesses your marriage this day, and who can guide you throughout your life together. Find ways to keep Jesus at the center of your relationship, and you will be all right, now and forever. Forever, I say, because believe it or not, the life together that you begin today will go by quickly; and for whatever comes after that, you need to have a friend in Jesus.
J. and H., may Jesus be with you, and may you stay close to Jesus, now and forever. Amen.
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A PRAYER FOR MARRIED COUPLES:
O God, out of all the world you let us find one another and learn together the meaning of love. Let us never fail to hold love precious. Let the flame of it never waver or grow dim, but burn in our hearts as an unwavering devotion, and shine through our eyes in gentleness and understanding. Teach us to remember the little courtesies, to be swift to speak the grateful and happy word, to believe rejoicingly in each other’s best, and to face all life bravely because we face it with a united heart. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
–Walter Russel Bowie (1882-1969), Rector of Grace Episcopal Church, New York City
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