Randy Pausch (1960-2008) was a Computer Science professor at Columbia University. What made him famous was a lecture he gave at his university, a lecture that has now been viewed by millions. Columbia University has what they call a ‘Last Lecture’ series, an ongoing series of lectures in which professors appear in a large auditorium before whatever students and faculty want to attend, and they say what they would say if that was to be their last lecture. The lecture is usually a hypothetical situation– what they would say if this was their last lecture. Just before Randy Pausch’s turn came, he received the diagnosis that the cancer he had been battling was terminal, and would have less than a year left to live. He decided that he would go ahead with the lecture, and for him, this would indeed be his last lecture. It was a tremendous speech, filled with wisdom about relationships, working hard, and keeping a positive attitude. In 2008, the lecture was expanded into a book; what follows is chapter 47 from that book.
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“A Bad Apology Is Worse Than No Apology”
By Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture, pages 161-163
Apologies are not pass/fail. I always told my students: When giving an apology, any performance lower than an “A” really doesn’t cut it.
Half-hearted or insincere apologies are often worse than not apologizing at all because the recipients find them insulting. If you’ve done something wrong in your dealing with another person, it’s as if there’s an infection in your relationship. A good apology is like an antibiotic; a bad apology is like rubbing salt in the wound.
Working in groups was crucial in my classes, and friction between students was unavoidable. Some students wouldn’t pull their load. Others were so full of themselves that they’d belittle their partners. By mid-semester, apologies were always in order. When students wouldn’t do it, everything would spin out of control. So I’d often give classes my little routine about apologies.
I’d start by describing the two classic bad apologies:
- “I’m sorry you feel hurt by what I’ve done.” (This is an attempt at an emotional salve, but it’s obvious you don’t want to put any medicine in the wound.)
- “I apologize for what I did, but you also need to apologize to me for what you’ve done.” (That is not giving an apology. That is asking for one.)
Proper apologies have three parts:
- What I did was wrong.
- I feel badly that I hurt you.
- How do I make it better?
Yes, some people may take advantage of you when answering question three. But most people will be genuinely appreciative of your make-good efforts. They may tell you how to make it better in some small, easy way. And often, they’ll work harder to help make things better themselves.
Students would say to me: “What if I apologize and the other person doesn’t apologize back?” I would tell them: “That’s not something you can control, so don’t let it eat at you.”
If other people owe you an apology, and your words of apology to them are proper and heartfelt, you still may not hear from them for a while. After all, what are the odds that they get to the right emotional place to apologize at the exact moment you do? So just be patient. Many times in my career, I saw students apologize, and then several days later, their teammates came around. Your patience will be both appreciated and rewarded.
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James 5:16 — Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
Ephesians 4:32 — Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31 — Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
Proverbs 15:1 — A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
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May the roof above never fall in,
May we below never fall out.
–An Irish prayer
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O Almighty God, give to me a meek and gentle spirit, that I may be slow to anger, and quick to have mercy and offer forgiveness. Give me a wise and constant heart, that I may never be moved to unreasonable wrath for any injury that is done to me. Lord, let me be ever courteous, and ready to be of assistance. Let me never fall into a peevish or irritable spirit, but be at peace with all people; offering forgiveness, ready to confess my own errors, eager to make amends, and anxious to be reconciled. In all things help me to be more like Jesus. Amen. Jeremy Taylor (1613-1667)
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