In the opening story of yesterday’s meditation on Biblical parenting, a mother was overheard recommending yelling as a way to handle the misbehavior of children. In the following bit of wisdom, Christian author James Dobson describes why anger and yelling are ineffective motivators. Discipline is crucial, said this author of a best-selling book titled Dare to Discipline (1970, revised 1996). But for discipline to be effective, it must be accompanied by action, not anger. The following piece is from Dobson’s book Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide (2000). It is followed by verses from the Bible on the misuses of anger.
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Question: Dr. Dobson, what is the most common error made by parents in disciplining their children?
Answer: I would have to say it is the inappropriate use of anger in attempting to manage boys and girls. It is one of the most ineffective methods of attempting to influence human beings (of all ages). Unfortunately, most adults rely primarily on their own emotional response to secure the cooperation of children. One teacher said on a national television program, “I like being a professional educator, but I hate the daily task of teaching. My children are so unruly that I have to stay mad at them and yell all the time just to control the classroom.” How utterly frustrating to be required to be mean and angry to do a job year after year. Yet many teachers (and parents) know of no other way to manage children. Believe me, it is exhausting and it doesn’t work.
Consider your own motivational system and your own response to the anger of others. Suppose you are driving your automobile home from work this evening and you exceed the speed limit by forty miles per hour. Standing on the street corner is a lone police officer who has not been given the means to arrest you. He has no squad car or motorcycle; he wears no badge, carries no gun, and can write no tickets. All he is commissioned to do is stand on the curb and yell at you as you speed past. Would you slow down just because he turns red in the face, hollers loudly at you, and shakes his fist in protest? Of course not! You might wave to him as you streak by. But his anger would achieve little except to make him appear comical and foolish.
On the other hand, nothing influences the way you drive quite like seeing in the rearview mirror a black-and-white vehicle with nineteen red and blue lights flashing. When you pull your car over to the curb, a dignified, courteous officer approaches the window.
“Sir,” he says firmly but politely, “our radar unit indicates that you were traveling sixty-five miles per hour in a twenty-five-miles-per-hour zone. May I see your driver’s license, please?” He opens his leather-bound book of citations and leans toward you. He is not angry, he is not yelling, he has revealed no hostility, and offers no criticism; yet you are very nervous and you do just what he says. You fumble nervously to locate the license with that ugly picture on it. Why are your hands moist and your mouth dry? Why is your heart thumping in your throat? Because the course of action that officer is about to take is notoriously unpleasant. It is that action that dramatically affects your future driving habits. Alas, children think and respond in much the same way you do.
Disciplinary action influences behavior; anger does not. When it comes to boys and girls, in fact, I am convinced that adult anger incites a malignant kind of disrespect in their minds. They perceive that our frustration is caused by our inability to control the situation. We represent justice to them, yet we’re on the verge of tears as we flail the air with our hands and shout empty threats and warnings. Let me ask: Would you respect a superior court judge who behaved that way in administering legal justice? Certainly not. This is why the judicial system is carefully designed to appear calm, objective, rational, and dignified.
I am not recommending that parents and teachers conceal their legitimate emotions from their children. I am not suggesting that we be like bland and unresponsive robots who hold everything inside. There are times when our kids become insulting or disobedient, and our irritation is entirely appropriate. In fact, it should be revealed, or else we appear artificial and insincere. My point is merely that anger often becomes a tool used for the purpose of influencing behavior. It is ineffective and can be damaging to the relationship between generations. Instead, try taking action that your children will care about.
They need discipline, not merely anger.
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James 1:19-20 — Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
Proverbs 14:17a — A quick-tempered person does foolish things…
Proverbs 25:8 — A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls.
Proverbs 14:29 — Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.
Proverbs 29:22 — An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.
Proverbs 15:1 — A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Ecclesiastes 7:9 — Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.
Proverbs 29:11 — Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.
Psalm 37:8 — Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
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A PRAYER WHEN DEALING WITH ANGER
Dear God, I am blinded by anger. I feel nothing but rage. It is like a fire that is all-consuming, a wildfire destroying everything in its path. Please put out this fire. Shower your love and peace over me and quench this fury inside of me.
Remove this blindness. Help me to see and understand the spark that ignited this fury.
Help me to seek the truth. Was it shame, was it blame, was it frustration, was it righteous anger?
Give me the courage to respond in a spirit of truth and love in this situation. Help me to use this anger in a positive way.
Renew a spirit of peace within me. When anger blurs my vision, help me to trust that your love and peace will always see me through. Amen.
–Jackie Trottmann at: http://www.guidedchristianmeditation.com
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