By Tanner Kay Swanson, at: www.desiringgod.org (edited); 7-25-2025.
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The public library is a melting pot of parenting styles. Once, as I shuffled my kids into the play area, hidden behind a sea of strollers, nannies, and the occasional grandfather, I overheard two moms sharing recent struggles. The first mother was describing her young daughter’s new sticker chart: “Whenever she listens to me, she gets to put a star in the ‘Listening’ column. The other two categories are ‘Sharing’ and ‘Respect,’ for things like —”
The second mother cut in. “But is it really a good idea to use prizes to reinforce normal, expected behaviors? Isn’t it better for kids to learn to behave well without a reward?”
“Well, what other way is there?” replied the first.
Without missing a beat, the second retorted, “Yelling.”
For generations, frustrated parents have responded to impertinent children by yelling. And for just as long, some parents have seen that anger and swung in the opposite direction. Today, many of the latter parents embrace the label “gentle parenting.” In past times, similar labels have been used. Whatever the name, such parents shun discipline, fear saying no, and resolve against inflicting emotional pain. And I wonder how many believers today have become such parents by mistake.
We do hear of fathers and mothers misusing their God-given authority. For these parents, to be called “Dad” and “Mom” can mean little more than a license to roar at small humans– rather than a privileged charge from God to raise children in Christ. Perhaps we ourselves, neck-deep in sleepless nights, have screamed and stamped and then cried from shame one too many times. Maybe our own parents so abused their power that concepts like authority and discipline seem much nearer to necessary evils than blessed responsibilities. We swear not to repeat the past. At all costs, we refuse to identify with the cavalier mother at the library — as a yeller.
Philosophies like ‘gentle parenting’ step in and say, “I can help with that.” Such advocates, resources, and websites begin by asking questions like “Do you want to stop yelling at your kids?” and “Are you tired of being angry all the time?” With most parents’ last tempest not far from view, many are listening in. And I get it. A more compassionate approach sounds just like what modern dads and moms need.
But is ‘gentle parenting’ (along with similar approaches past and present) what Christian dads and moms ultimately need? I’m doubtful. Of course, believers can affirm certain aspects, like seeking to understand a child’s juvenile, often tender “frame,” or parenting with an eye to long-term character formation (Proverbs 22:6), to name a couple. At the same time, just because a parenting style sounds Christian (as in ‘gentle’), does not mean that we should unwittingly accept all its principles.
So, let’s think about this in light of the Bible.
We do hear of parents abusing their authority; we might have a painful family history and want to do things different; we may be ashamed of some of the ways we have disciplined harshly in the past. However, “Misuse does not negate proper use.” As we rightly recoil at sin, seeking to spare our children from its wages, we must not ignore the responsibility found in the second half of Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
While the Greek word for “discipline” (paideia) has a range of uses, in its most extended appearance in the New Testament (Hebrews 12:4-11), the word implies more than mere ‘gentleness.’ Granted, fully biblical parenting will primarily focus on positive training, but the presence of such instruction doesn’t mean the absence of solemn warnings and consequences. The kind of paideia on display in Hebrews 12 is the kind you have to “endure” (verse 7), the kind that “seems painful rather than pleasant” (verse 11).
God has ordered reality such that painful endurance (Romans 5:3-5) is often necessary for growth and maturity. As Hebrews 12:11 says, “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Without due care, yes, we can “provoke [our] children to anger” with the manner of our discipline. But unhinged verbal rebukes and unfairly revoked privileges are not the only way to agitate our children. A lack of biblical discipline is another way to do so. Undisciplined children, handled with nothing more than gentleness, often become agitated, angry, and out of control children. Certainly, we can be harsh with our discipline; so too we can be misguided and even cruel with our gentleness, if that gentleness allows our kids to walk unrestrained paths of foolishness, sin, and shame.
When prompted and governed by a parent’s love — by true gentleness — the experience of pain in a child’s life doesn’t automatically spell provocation in his spirit. In fact, Hebrews tells us that, by God’s grace, pain may very well come to create peace one day.
Unfortunately, our experiences, our society, and some of our friends may give us the impression that, when it comes to raising kids, there are only two options: Either you parent with gentleness and grace, or you parent through harsh, perhaps even harmful means. Either you empathize and encourage, or you command and demand. Either you prioritize healthy, age-appropriate, whole-child development, or you prioritize raising children with fear.
But the Bible is not interested in false dichotomies. Scripture can say in one breath, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger,” and declare with the next, “Whoever spares the rod (withholds discipline) hates his son.” “The whole problem of discipline lies between those two limits,” says Martyn Lloyd-Jones, “and they are both found in Scripture.” He goes on to say: “All our problems [as parents] result from our going to one extreme or the other. That is never found in Scripture. What characterizes the teaching of the Scriptures always and everywhere is balance, the extraordinary way in which grace and law are divinely blended.”
Dear dads and moms, we must try to embody Scripture’s balance — to parent between the poles, to divinely blend grace and law, and so to image God and the gospel to our children. Gentle parenting is not one of only two options. Neither is it the best, most biblical option. Ultimately, what we need is not a modern school of thought, but a timeless Book, written by a Father who “disciplines the one he loves” (Hebrews 12:5-6), and the wisdom of his Spirit to know when to discipline and when to be gentle.
Our goal can be that one day our children will say, “Dad and Mom loved me like God loves me. They were not harsh, but neither were they passive. The God that floods my life with grace and bids me to obey — this perfect God was on display in my imperfect parents.”
A friend of mine said, “I’d rather have my son grow up thinking that I loved him too much more than that I corrected him too much.” I hear the heart behind her expression. But isn’t it possible for our kids to grow up thinking instead that our love need not be at odds with our authority and correction? Our prayer can be, “Help me to parent with justice and compassion!”
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