This is from the meditation I gave at the wedding of my daughter and son-in-law in 2001. They now have two children in college. They are still helping each other.
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Amy and Jeff, relatives and friends, grace and peace to you from our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Recently, I was talking to a man who got married in 1919. His wife died many years ago. He is now 102. I told him my daughter was getting married this summer. He asked me if I approved of the guy she was marrying. “Oh, yes,” I said. “He’s a great guy and comes from a wonderful family. And Amy is a good girl, and they seem to get along well, so we are all very happy for both of them.” “That’s good,” he said. Then he said, “Let me tell you about the day I told my parents I was engaged to be married.” He said:
I had been away from home for several months and my parents had not yet even met my fiancé. When I came into the house and told my mother I was engaged, she was all excited and congratulated me and hugged me. She had a hundred questions, all of which I happily answered, because I too was excited. Then I asked where Dad was. She told me he was in the garden. I found him there, on his knees, pulling weeds. I said cheerfully, ‘Hey Dad, I’m getting married.’ But my dad had no words of congratulations for me and no questions about my fiancé. He didn’t ask ‘who is she?’ or ‘where is she from?’ He didn’t say ‘where are you going to live?’ or ‘what are you going to do?’ He didn’t say, ‘Do you love her, son?’ or anything like that. He just stopped pulling weeds, turned around slowly, looked me in the eye, and said, ‘ARE YOU NUTS?’
“Are you nuts?” Well, that is a good question; and it’s not too late for the two of you to ask it of yourselves. After all, there is plenty of evidence all around you to indicate that you have to be nuts to want to get married these days. There are sad marriages, dead marriages, broken marriages—you have seen it all; and yet, here you are today, ready to have your own go at it. Are you nuts?
To put the question another way, “Just why are you two doing this anyway?” I don’t want to put you on the spot here and make you answer that in front of all these people. But let’s think about the possible reasons why two people might want to get married, when so many marriages are the cause of so much grief.
One reason some people get married is for money; one or the other has lots of money, and the poorer partner is attracted to the marriage for that reason. But I know both of you are penniless, so that’s not your reason, and that’s good. Marrying for money is not a reliable foundation for a life together, and most people know that.
A more common reason people might have for getting married is to be happy. However, that too is an inadequate foundation for a good marriage. It might sound like a good enough reason, but feelings of happiness will come and go throughout a lifetime. That’s how it is for everyone; it doesn’t matter if you are married or not, or even who you are married too. Good times and bad times, happiness and sadness—it is all going to come anyway, so it is not good to burden a marriage with the impossible expectation that it will make you and keep you happy. It won’t. Happiness is an elusive thing; in fact, it is more likely to come when you aren’t insisting on it. If you pay too much attention to whether or not you are really happy, things will never be quite good enough.
If not for happiness, maybe the two of you are getting married for love. That certainly should be a good enough reason—the very best reason, right? After all, I Corinthians 13 says, “Faith, hope, and love abide, but the greatest of these is love.” But Paul wasn’t talking about marriage there. Love, like happiness, is a feeling; and feelings come and go; and are, therefore, undependable. In your marriage, there will be many times when your feelings are so tender, warm, loving, and affectionate that you will think it impossible to ever again have an unkind thought or feeling toward each other. There will also be times when you are so angry, hurt, and resentful that you will wonder how you could have ever loved each other at all. And then, you might even say to yourself, “I must have been nuts!” Feelings of love will come and go. Therefore, from now on, it must not be love that sustains your marriage; rather, it must be your marriage vow that sustains your love. The lifelong promises you make today are intended to keep you together through times of little or no love. You should love each other, and I am glad you do; but don’t marry only for love.
Well then, why get married? What other reasons are left? Actually, just a little while ago, you heard the very best reason in the Scripture readings for today. The Bible is, after all, the best place to look for answers to questions like this. It is God’s book, you know, and He made us. He should know what will work best for us. So, listen to what God said when He made the very first man and woman and joined them together. By the way, that marriage was also done by the Father of the bride (and of the groom); it was by God Himself, their heavenly Father.
Listen again to what God said just before Adam and Eve met; just before God created Eve. Genesis 2:18: “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper for him.’” A helper. That’s all it says. That is simple enough… down to earth… not too deep… and accurate. Marriage, says God, is most of all a relationship between two people who promise to help each other as they go through life together. The Bible is very practical when it talks about marriage, and it will be good for you to keep in mind what it says. After all, when you think about it, you won’t be spending too much of your time gazing lovingly at each other; but you will spend a lot of time sharing the day-to-day tasks of securing an income, keeping up a home, perhaps caring for children, and all the rest—or, in other words, working together, helping each other along. Do that; focus on that, and appreciate each other for that; and then, the love and the happiness will have a better chance of growing and deepening.
“Helping each other out” is, of course, a part of love. All too often we think of love only as a feeling, but love IS what love DOES. That’s what is in the vows you will say to each other in a few minutes. You will promise to ‘have and to hold and to keep each other, to comfort and to honor each other, in sickness and in health, for better, for worse,’ and so on. You are promising not feelings, but actions. You are promising to be there to help each other out, even in times of no happiness, weak feelings of love, no money, or poor health. Christian love, in the context of Holy Matrimony, is an act of the will, something you promise to DO, until death parts you. Death. Isn’t it just like church to take a happy day like this and bring the whole mood down by talking about death. But a promise like that, and until then, is the only way to make this work. From now on, do not ever consider any other options– not even when you are really ticked.
So here is my advice on your wedding day. Do what the Good Book says. Help each other out; take good care of each other, and do not expect too much of each other. Expect less out of this ordeal you begin today, and you will get more. Be good and kind helpers to each other, keep the promises you make here today, be content with the many blessings God has given you, and you will be all right.
Amy and Jeff, may God be with you and may you stay close to Him, all the years of your life together. Amen.
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Genesis 2:18 — The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10a — Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
I Corinthians 13:13 — These three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Hebrews 13:5b — Be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
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Almighty God, who has brought these children of yours to each other, grant them wisdom, kindness, and devotion in their life together. May they be to each other a helper, a source of strength, a comfort in sorrow, a guide in perplexity, and a companion in every joy. Bring their wills in line with your will, and join their spirits to your spirit, so that they may one day enter into your kingdom. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
–source lost
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