Wendell F. was an Old Testament professor at Luther Seminary when I was a student there in the 1970’s. In June of 1995, the year he retired, he wrote this article. This is not a happy story, but it is a typical story. It is written to parents of a particular generation, but it will also speak to later generations. The rapid changes he describes have continued. His words are full of emotion and faith. He speaks of the deep love parents have for their children, the frustrations of parenting, and the hope that faith may be passed on. His words might, at times, sound angry and crabby, but they are not written in that spirit. I knew Wendell F., and he was not a crabby man. He was kind and gentle and caring, and he is not here attacking others or defending himself. He is just telling his story, a story many others will understand. This is a glimpse into the heart and prayer life of a godly man; one who was doing his best to fulfill his divine calling to be a good father.
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This is written for some of you who were parenting in the 1950s, 60s, and 70s, and who have been grandparenting since. It is going to be an autobiographical piece, because that is the way it took place and is still going on.
The experiences my wife and I had growing up, and the reading we did, did not do us much good in our own parenting. The world had changed so radically that what worked reasonably well for our parents, mostly did not work anymore. We were never in control of it. When our youngest son asked if there were dinosaurs around when we were little, we logically should have said, “Yes.” Someone out of the Stone Age would have been as good at parenting in our time as we proved to be. If you had as difficult a time of it as we did, maybe we could get together and talk sometime. Unlike talk show hosts and psychologists who blame the outcome totally on us, we could speak lovingly to each other. Let’s begin doing so right here.
We were not perfect parents by any means. The Lord knows how often we have asked forgiveness for our many parenting sins. But it was not our fault that someone changed the props on the stage just before our debut. It was Hollywood, not we, who glamorized behaviors and lifestyles which we have always known to be wrong. It was the children’s peers, not we, who had the real influence on them. Why were we so powerless, so alone, and so helpless as the situation careened out of our control?
It was because someone took away our normal roles and gave them to others. Then, when it did not turn out well, we got the blame. It was not that we did not love enough, but that we were asked to accommodate ourselves to situations and behaviors which resisted our commitments and values to the breaking point. It was not that we failed to support the schools and colleges. It was that they let us down by offering an education which scorned traditional values and attacked our faith.
It was not that we did not entrust our children to God and to the church. It was that they, though speaking lovingly and gently, had little effect. It was that we trusted too naively that what held us firmly in the faith would hold them too. Baptism, Sunday School, Confirmation, and family devotions no longer sufficed.
When dating and marriage finally came along, we found ourselves again outsiders viewing a scene too strange for us to understand. All we were asked to do was accept anything and anybody who came along. Fiddler on the Roof thus became too painful to watch. Tevye’s misfortunes were too much like my own. Remember how he prayed? That was what we have done too, and we are thankful to the Lord for whatever answers we have received.
The troubled dating relationships that we had to watch, led to troubled marriages that brought much sadness. When the abandonment and subsequent divorce happened, we were not surprised anymore. We were accustomed to being unable to do anything but pray. That did not make it any easier. It is hard to see one’s child suffer. It was just as bad to watch our grandson’s usual smile and his happy carefree manner change. Our love and hugs could not bring them back. He had lost his innocence. As for our son-in-law, he was simply gone. We had never wanted that. We finally had to admit that we had lost him. Our continuing attempts to reach him had failed. The church and the Gospel had never been his. We had prayed for over a decade when we could still talk to him and touch him. Now we can only pray.
A PRAYER FROM THE HEART:
Thank you, Lord, that we can still hug our grandson and visit him regularly. And bless you for listening to our laments for him as well as our thanksgivings. He has been such a special gift, always receptive of us, even now when he lives with his sorrow. Does he talk to you about that? He has never mentioned it to us. Does he blame you? His dad? His mom? What can we do to raise his self-esteem? Help him not to blame his mom for the lack of things that his friends possess. Let the love he experiences be enough for him. Let the blessings we pray for shower down upon his life. Give him the right kind of friends. We are glad he is popular. Oh, yes, while we don’t understand the music, bless his love affair with his guitar. He obviously has some talent there, and he enjoys it. Give him some joy, Lord.
And now we come to the heart of it. How’s his faith, Lord? Has he some love for you? Will he keep going to church of his own free will? Does he pray?
Don’t let him go, Lord. Hold on to him, and to his mom; and his dad, too, if he will receive it. Keep your promises to our grandson. He is one of your own, and we love him. Now that we are growing older, we are thinking ahead. We pray that we may spend eternity together with all our family. We want to be with them, and with you, when the many troubles of this sad life are over. Amen.
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