Posted at http://www.theonion.com, vol. 52, issue 34. The Onion has been publishing news satire since 1988, but I think this item might be true.
WASHINGTON—In a new report released Wednesday by the Pew Research center, Americans indicated that when it comes to what they expect from their country, all they really want is to be safe, happy, rich, comfortable, and entertained at absolutely all times.
In addition, the U.S. populace reportedly wondered whether it was too much to ask that they always be healthy, fulfilled, successful, safe, loved, relaxed, inspired, motivated, worry-free, and content every second of their lives from birth until death “given that this is America, after all.”
“It’s not that complicated; at the end of the day, all I want from America is a good job, a nice house, romantic fulfillment, beautiful sunny weather during the day, starlit skies at night, low gas prices, independence from foreign oil, free food, free health care, free media, everything free,” said Maryland resident Lena McCarthy, 36, adding that if everything can’t be free, she wants her goods cheap, manufactured “right here in the U.S. of A,” and wants workers paid a good wage. “We’re talking about basic stuff here. I just want tasty fast food that’s good for me; an excellent school district with low property taxes; a high-six-figure salary; a stress-free, 40-hour workweek at a job where there aren’t a lot of meetings; and have my weekends totally free. I definitely want to keep those weekends open.”
“If this country could just give me that, then you wouldn’t hear another word out of me,” McCarthy added. “I mean, come on. We’re the world’s biggest superpower. Is giving me a manufacturing sector that always remains strong, complete and total energy independence, a cure for cancer, central air conditioning units that never break down, and world peace so hard to do?”
The study, which was conducted over the last two years, went on to indicate that in addition to zero traffic on workdays and public transportation that always runs on time, all Americans really want is free, high-speed internet access readily available in all planes, buses, cafés, and classrooms.
Moreover, Americans reportedly felt that they should have the luxury of an iPad, smartphone, and Bluetooth technology at all times, along with freedom from living in a tech-obsessed society. The report confirmed that U.S. citizens also wondered that if this is really the best country on earth, why isn’t it easy to have an emotionally connected family life, enough time to watch all the TV shows they’ve been meaning to watch, and good water filters that remove impurities from water much faster than they do now?
Additionally, the poll found that 85 percent of the populace wants Medicaid and arts funding to be increased and for the national deficit to go down. Sixty-one percent want the government to end world hunger, make beachfront property affordable, and figure out how people can wake up one morning and suddenly have $500,000 more dollars in their bank accounts. Ninety-three percent want to be tall and strikingly attractive, and 100 percent of Americans wanted all of these things all of the time, plus a good dog, therapy, and unconditional love from their parents.
“We’re living in the nation that gave the world the telephone, the television, and the airplane. Is it so much to ask that every bakery serve top-notch pastries and that we have complimentary car service to and from work?” 41-year-old Florida resident Arlen Goldman said. “And just think about this for second: People still die of disease. Where are we, medieval Europe? Last time I checked, this was America. Why are we still dying of illness? Why are we even dying?”
“It’s not like I’m asking for the moon and the stars here,” Goldman added. “I just don’t want to die.”
Adding that “this is the land of Washington and Jefferson,” Americans reportedly emphasized that they want to live in a country where air travel is completely safe, passengers can walk onto a plane without going through a lengthy security line, corporations pay their fair share, corporations feel free to invest in national and international markets, corporations only invest in the United States, live theater is outstanding and available at a discount, and racism, poverty, sexism, nepotism, cronyism, and corruption are things of the past.
“If this is truly the home of the free, we need to make sure our personal liberties are maintained so that we feel safe, and that stringent counterterrorism surveillance measures are in place so that we feel safe,” McCarthy continued. “And no big storms. Normal storms are fine, just nothing newsworthy. And no more tragedies. No more gun violence or hate crimes. Or crime, period. And no gray area where things aren’t cut-and-dry. Is this America or not?”
“We put a man on the moon, for crying out loud,” McCarthy continued. “Can’t the government just hurry up and solve the student debt crisis, make colleges lower their tuition, make them do a Friends reunion, ensure that everyone finds their soulmate, and then guarantees that the spark lasts? We’re talking about our inalienable rights as Americans here.”
The report concluded that when all was said and done, Americans would still be “pretty much set” if all they ever got was aggressive countermeasures to global warming, low taxes or no taxes, free parking, no-strings-attached sex, matching 401k retirement plans, quick and easy weight loss, everything that was already mentioned in this article, and above all else, no handouts.
Proverbs 27:20 — Death and Destruction are never satisfied, and neither are human eyes.
I Peter 4:12 — Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.
I Timothy 6:6 — Godliness with contentment is great gain.
Thou that hast given so much to me,
Give one thing more, a grateful heart.
–George Herbert (1593- 1633)