“WHAT HAS GOD EVER DONE FOR ME?” ASKS MAN BREATHING AIR
LYNNWOOD, WA—Sources confirmed Tuesday that local freethinker Jared Olson called into question the “absurd” idea that God had ever done anything for him, all while inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide in a complex process well beyond his mind’s capability of understanding in its entirety.
“The idea of ‘god’ is really just holding us back,” Olson opined, addressing the other members of the philosophy club at Edmonds Community College, as the membrane across his larynx vibrated to modulate the flow of air from his lungs, making his speech audible to the people listening, whose intricate ear structures then instantly transformed the invisible sound waves into abstract thought in their brain’s nervous tissue.
Olson went on to pursue the line of reasoning even further, claiming that mankind has science, medicine, and mathematics to thank for its continued existence rather than any sort of all-powerful creator, for which there is “absolutely no evidence.” According to eyewitnesses, he made these claims as the surface his feet rested on continued to spin around the earth’s core without any input from him, all while the only known habitable planet on which he stood rocketed around the center of the galaxy in perfect formation at the unfathomable rate of 490,000 miles per hour.
At one point during his expertly-crafted speech, Olson reportedly glanced around the room to observe the nods of approval from his peers, his eyes’ hundreds of millions of cone and rod cells responding to stimuli in an unimaginably sophisticated procedure. As these elaborate structures continued to capture and process an unbelievable volume of input per second, Olson reported he was all the more confident from the looks of those around him that he had proved his case.
According to Olson, he plans to detail religion’s negative influence on society at next week’s meeting, which is being held in the annex adjacent to both a Christian homeless shelter and Catholic hospital.
This ‘news’ item is from The Babylon Bee, a new website featuring Christian news satire. Editor Adam Ford writes: “Satire is a powerful, effective, and biblical tool for conveying ideas– and one that belongs almost exclusively to the anti-religious world view. The Bee aims to change that.” One review of the website said that while the news stories at The Bee are always fake, they often express ideas that are true. Check it out for yourself at:
One more ‘news’ item:
GRIDLOCK REACHED AS TWO MEN BOTH CERTAIN GOD TOLD THEM TO DATE SAME GIRL
NEW YORK, NY—Stressing the precariousness of the situation, inside sources confirmed Monday that a gridlock has been reached in the social lives of David Gall, 23, and Mark Cormier, 26, as both men are absolutely, 100% certain that God has personally instructed them to date local 22-year-old Stephanie Fair.
“I sought God’s will and He told me to date Stephanie,” Gall confidently declared to sources. “I know He did—there’s not a doubt in my mind.”
“God definitely told me to date Stephanie,” Cormier similarly asserted. “The signs He gave me were crystal-clear. What am I supposed to do, disobey God?”
Three discussion attempts between the two men have reportedly made no headway and have simply reinforced each man’s belief that the other lacks godliness and is possibly being influenced by demonic forces.
At publishing time, a fourth discussion was underway, and while neither man was open to the slightest possibility that perhaps God did not tell them to date Miss Fair, they seemed to be making a bit of progress as they collectively considered reexamining the Bible’s teachings on polygamy.
Adam Ford’s first website features his web-comics and can be viewed at:
Here is a sample:
Psalm 115:3 — Our God is in the heavens; he does whatever he pleases.
Romans 9:20 — But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, “Why did you make me like this?”
Psalm 14:1a — The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.”
Almighty God, give us a measure of true religion and thereby set us free from vain and disappointing hopes, from lawless and excessive appetites, from frothy and empty joys, from anxious, self-devouring cares, from a dull and black melancholy, from an eating envy and swelling pride, and from rigid sourness and severity of spirit, so that we may possess that peace which passeth all understanding, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
–Benjamin Whichcote (1609-1683), English philosopher